Shoot From the Hips

T'was the Night Before Hipfix

2006-02-07T17:49:00.000-06:00

I leave in less that 12 hours, which sucks considering it's 5:50 pm right now. That's pretty friggin early, but I think it'll be better to go in as a zombie and wake up before noon with my new parts. I can't believe it's almost over. Six more weeks of being leashed at home. I can do it. I sure hope the team in the OR is awake at 7:15am.

The Super Bowl sure sucked. Even the commercials bit. I can't decide what the worst part was - the Oldy Stones, the officiating (Big Ben did NOT cross the plane), Hassleback, or the ads. Oh I know what was the worst - my final score prediction. I'm an idiot.

Holy Cacophony

2006-02-05T19:12:00.000-06:00

I am in the middle of listening to what might possibly the worst-sounding performance by the most-overrated band ever. The Rolling Coffins are playing the halftime right now and I'm not embarrassed for them - I'm angry.

What is that sound? And what is that sound? It's purely awful. Keith Richards is bent over playing the riffs from 'Satisfaction' like it's the most intricate finger exercise on guitar ever. It's so bad I wanna punch something. Mick Jagger sings every other word because he's so out of breath he can't manage any more.

Bad Start to Super Bowl 40

2006-02-05T16:58:00.000-06:00

So the game is going to start within 30 minutes (?) and I'm back at home. I made it thru the party at my bro's for 90 minutes than got week and freaked. Hate. I don't know what happened other than maybe standing too long and not having a comfortable place to sit. How embarrasing . Everyone was cool about it. I just want this hip shit over with. Physical state: 5.0 // Mental 6.0

My Super Bowl prediction: SEATTLE 24, PITTSBURGH 20

Super Old Sunday

2006-02-05T11:10:00.000-06:00

It's always so anti-climactic, so maybe this year will be better. An afternoon gathering with the brothers before the actual game will probably be a lot more fun than waiting until 6pm for the gay fanfare to start. I can't believe the fucking Rolling Stones are playing. And so is Urethra Franklin. What a nightmare. Maybe next year they'll get someone old. They should call the band "The Crows Feet" or "Deep Facial Lines" or "The Leathermen."

I watched two movies last night - "Red Eye" and "Hostage." The former was a kinda cheesy thriller that gets a 5.0 (out of 10) from me, but the latter was just brutal. What a steaming pile of dung - a genuine 2.0. What the fuck kind of plot was that???? Don't watch it.

By the way, I'm within 72 hours of the big day. I'm feeling good: Physically 7.5 ?? Mentally: 8.0

Poor Dave Chappelle ... and a rough day of pricks

2006-02-03T09:43:00.000-06:00

I'm doing the unthinkable and watching Oprah. Gross. But I'm only watching cuz I want to hear what happened to Dave Chappelle. For the last 50 minutes, I listened to him dodge and duck and blame everyone else. I'm still waiting for him to say what happened - his disappearance, the $50 million contract, the allegations of cracking or drugs, etc. According to him, none of this is true. First he left because he felt like he was contributing to racism in America. Then he left because of the pressure of having so much money. Now he says he left because he didn't want to wear a dress in a skit. Poor fuckin Dave Chappelle. I've lost a lot of respect. Now he says he wants to come back IF he can give half of his money to charity. Puke.

By the way, the most infuriating part of this show is the spontaneous love the all-white housewife audience has for him. I know for a fact not a single one of them has ever heard OF Dave Chappelle, let alone heard him. If they had, they would be disgusted. Sometimes I hate American society.

Listening to poor Dave makes my problems seem insignificant. After all, I only had a dopplar ultrasound to find deadly blood clots, a staph infection swab, an EKG, and no less than five pin pricks for more blood draws. All in one morning with a broken hip and a healing replacement. Fuck you Chappelle.

Physically: 7.0 // Mentally 7.5

American Midol

2006-02-01T19:20:00.000-06:00

Oh my aching head. I feel like a antisocial fat chick with PMS pains. TV has become my best friend, and that's not a good thing as I'm truly enjoying the audition episodes of American Idol. I only watch the bad audition episodes. I cannot believe these people exist. Or at least that many of them - thousands. Gross, stupid, fucking clueless, I don't even know how to describe them. It's weird that this many idiots actually can't hear themselves make head-splitting noise. I hate them all. Hate. My head actually hurts.

"Lifetime: Your Movie's (sic) On"

2006-02-01T14:38:00.000-06:00

That's their slogan, and I hear it on a daily basis. I cannot tell you how much Lifetime Movie Network has gotten me thru my downtime. When the wireless laptop, Sony PSP, XBox, Sirius Radio, and The Military Channel don't do it for me, I can switch over to 504 and watch Kate Jackson or Meredith Baxter in a plethora of annoying strong woman roles. And if I'm really lucky, Gregory Harrison or Michael Ironside might be there too! Now that's entertainment! The movies either entertain the hell out of me, or numb me enough to bring on sleep. Thank you LMN.

I called Blue Cross to pre-certify for next Wednesday's slice-n-dice fest, and after tomorrow's three appointments, I'm free for five days. That's a good feeling.
Physically: 7.6 // Mentally: 7.0

A new record for sleep and Jenna Jamison's orgasm

2006-02-01T08:09:00.000-06:00

This is big: I woke up at 5:55am after stirring only once last night. My sleep has been awful for the last 9 months, but exceptionally awful since getting home from the hospital. I can only sleep on my back or right side, and in the early days, rolling to the side proved rather painful. Anyway, it has gotten progressively easier and to sleep for SEVEN straight hours with only one interruption is truly a sign of progress.

When I fired-up the Sirius, I caught the middle of Howard reading listener email. He read, "Artie's new mustache looks like the fucking janitor from 'Fractured Fairy Tales." Another said, "Tell Artie to shave that fuckin' push broom off his fat face.." I love it.

Not long afterward, the lovely Jenna Jamison made her way into the studio. After a rather insightful interview describing bathroom sex between [Jenna] and Jenny McCarthy, she agreed to straddle Howard's new Sybian machine. It works. It works well.

Whew - I almost forgot. Physically: 6.3 // Mentally: 6.8

No Way

2006-01-31T20:14:00.000-06:00

I refuse to watch the State of the Union Address. It's all bullshit, and I can't believe people are giving multiple standing ovations to Mr. Idiot.

Instead, I am watching a re-run of "Cops." I just witnessed Vegas police bust two scumbags that speak more eloquently than George W. Bush.

Physical: 6.5 // Mental: 8.0

Priorities of the Press

2006-01-31T17:42:00.000-06:00

Big news was made earlier this week when ABC anchor Bob Woodruff was critically injured, along with his camara man Doug Vogt in Iraq. The military convoy in which they were travelling apparently cut thru a rough part of town and hit an IED.

I wish no harm on anyone, especially the good guys in a war, but come-on already with the media coverage! This incident has happened on a daily basis for more than two years now, as the 4,000+ US Marines and soldiers injured can attest. Maybe if the daily events were thrown at us they way Woodruff's fiasco has, those in charge might have a little more idea of what's really going on. While I'm glad Woodruff and Vogt received medical treatment only forty minutes after the brain-injuring blast, I can only hope the troops are as lucky. I seriously doubt it.

President Dumb-yah will no doubt peacock his arrogance a few short hours from now in his State of the Union address, and will in turn hopefully nauseate a few more people that don't quite see that it's his war our boys are fighting.

Bubba the Boring Fucking Redneck

2006-01-31T16:28:00.000-06:00

One of the tools of distraction that gets me thru my days is this new invention called Sirius Radio. As a longtime Howard Stern fan, it was a no-brainer to get this radio when he left testicle terrestrial commercial-packed eff-emm radio.

I absolutely love waking up every morning at 5am to here Howard and the gang for hours of un-censored fun. Every week seems to be a new adventure, and Howard is doing a great job of building a two-channel empire complete with new personalities. I was pleasantly surprised to hear Danny Bonaduce this week doing his old schtick as an egotistical psychopath with a microphone. Brilliant move Howard!

With the good comes a little bad though. You may have heard of this Bubba fella from Florida. He got in trouble with the FCC while doing some wacky morning zoo shit and now claims to be the raciest coolest radio personality ever. For some reason, Howard kisses his ass and seems to adore him. I don't get it.

Every afternoon, I try to listen to his show, but only find myself getting angry. Not a day has gone by in the last two weeks that he hasn't talked about his two main interests in life: Hulk Hogan and sprint car racing. For real. It's nauseating. I remember when it was cool to be a friend of Hulk Hogan's - in 1987 I think. Bubba touts his relationship with "the Hulkster" (clever nickname!) like he's hangin' with someone really important, all the while using his Mancow Muller voice and some cool code-talk. Example: "Hey Hulkster, whatcha greasin' these days? Any Magillicuddys in your day?"

What the fuck are you talking about?? Oh yeah - and he's a FAT hick that thinks he's ripped, so he wears sleeveless shirts all the time that show his lard flippers in all their glory. What an asshole.

What a Long Strange Hip It's Been....

2006-01-31T10:26:00.000-06:00

I recline here in comfort pondering the last two years and anticipating the next five weeks. I figured this would be a good place to start; my first of two hip replacements has healed. The other is scheduled for next Wednesday (Feb 8) and I just want it over with.

I was diagnosed with Avascular Necrosis last summer after feeling gradual unfamiliar pain for several weeks. I'll save the "how I go it" saga for a later post, cuz it's quite a story and I'm not pissed enough right now to re-live it.

Each day, I evaluate how I feel physically and mentally morning, noon, and night. This blog will hopefully record it better than my other method - memory. Today, I feel pretty good. My incision has healed, but occasionally pain jabs at me. Nothing too bad. I had a scare of a UTI yesterday - discomfort while urinating - but feel better today down there. Not perfect, but better. I must mention that I finally got my first disability check, which definitely helps my attitude. So as of now, here are my scores: Mentally - 7.0 // Physically 5.5